There are 7 communication and behavioral strategies that are detrimental to a couple’s relationship and may impact their whole body. They can be described as the 7 lethal weapons that are destroying your marriage.
The truth is that marriage conflict doesn’t just affect your emotions — it affects your whole body.
While researcher John Gottman’s studies have shown that certain communication patterns predict serious marital distress, Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, a health expert, also found that hostile marital conflict can increase inflammation and weaken immune function.
In other words: when your marriage feels unsafe, your nervous system believes it.
The 7 Common “Lethal Weapons” in Marriage, What They Do, and What Helps
1. Criticism
The Weapon: Attacking your spouse’s character instead of addressing a behavior.
Research from the Gottman Institute shows harsh start-ups lead to negative outcomes. Your body feels it as elevated heart rate, cortisol, muscle tension.
The antidote: Start soft. Be specific.
Share how you feel and what you need, something like “I feel scared when you stop talking to me”, instead of “Oh now you will not respond! Of course you can’t. You never have anything good to say anyway”.
You can minimize opportunities to feed your marriage conflict by slowing down your brain as you choose better words to address the problem.
2. Contempt
The Weapon: Sarcasm, eye-rolling, mockery.
Gottman found contempt to be the strongest predictor of divorce. Contemp is consider a lethal weapon capable to destroy your marriage because it is based on chronic hostility, a toxic behavior that is also linked to cardiovascular risk.
The fact is that your body knows when it is time to attack back as a means of survival. Here is the problem: contempt will increase your blood pressure and inflammation. Everyone loses, including your health.
The antidote: Daily appreciation and respect.
Everybody needs to feel seen and valued. There is no need to make yourself sound smarter, better, or stronger. In healthy marriages, couples work together; so whenever possible, make intentional positive remarks about your spouse and eliminate negative comments.
3. Defensiveness
The Weapon: Blaming back, refusing ownership.
Research shows defensiveness increases physiological “flooding”, which is a powerful fuel for marriage conflict.
Psychiatrist Dan Siegel explains that when we feel attacked, our thinking brain goes offline. That means we put ourselves in attack mode and try to prove how what the other one does is worse or just as bad.
The antidote: Own your part — even a small part.
Don’t try to justify or explain if not requested. Acknowledge your spouse’s perception and voice it back to them. It’s helpful to your spouse to hear it back in a calm tone as a means to process the veracity of their own argument.
4. Stonewalling
The Weapon: Shutting down or walking away.
In Gottman’s studies, stonewalling often followed extreme stress responses.
Emotional suppression research shows bottling emotions increases internal strain. It may feel as a natural body freeze response, numbness, or digestive changes, but we know now that it’s a way of your body screaming it has gone beyond its capacity to handle it.
The antidote: Take a calm break — and come back to talk later.
Studies show that 15 to 20 minutes can help your nervous system deescalate and give you access back to your reasoning.
5. Emotional Neglect
The Weapon: Ignoring bids for connection.
Attachment research from Sue Johnson highlights how responsiveness builds security.
Also Julianne Holt-Lunstad, in her studies on loneliness, discovered that isolation raises health risks. When we feel lonely and unsafe, our body increases the stress hormones and promotes inflammation.
The antidote: Turn toward small moments of connection.
Be intentional and don’t waste opportunities to demonstrate to your spouse that you are present with them.
Ignoring your spouses attempts to connect with you can intensify other gaps in the relationship that are likewise acting as weapons to destroy your marriage.
6. Escalation
The Weapon: Yelling, interrupting, bringing up everything at once.
Hostile conflict has been shown to slow wound healing and increase inflammatory responses.
That happens because of adrenaline spikes and cardiovascular strain.
Your body was not programmed to live under high stress all the time. On the contrary, imagine if instead of fermenting chances for marriage conflict you chose to keep your cool and built opportunities for connection. It would be a win-win situation!
The antidote: Make repair attempts. Slow it down.
As hard as it may feel, apologize if you yelled or said horrible things just so you would not feel stepped on. Two wrongs still don’t make one right.
7. Avoidance
The Weapon: Sweeping issues under the rug.
Finally, research shows that avoidance promotes long-term dissatisfaction.
By the time you realize you are distancing yourself for the sake of not wanting to address the issues, your spouse may already have built the assumption that you do not care.
Where there is an impression that only one cares, there is likely the presence of loneliness.
Psychologist James Pennebaker found out that unexpressed emotions can increase physical stress, and high stress is not a safe port for life’s enjoyment. In addition, other domains of life will also be affected by your stress.
Chronic tension, rumination, and stomach distress are common symptoms for people who choose to live in avoidance. Therefore, by all means, avoid ignoring your spouse’s concerns.
The antidote: Schedule safe, honest conversations.
It is just fair to you, your spouse, and your marriage that everything is exposed earlier, in a safe atmosphere of transparency and honesty. As soon as possible, communication must go on.
Why This Matters
Marriage conflict affects your nervous system, your hormones, and your immune system — that is, your whole body.
Unless you and your spouse choose to change these toxic ways to communicate with each other, your marriage will continue to suffer the effects of poor communication skills.
Once in a while, try to evaluate the way you reacted during your conversation with your spouse and ask yourself, “Would I have enjoyed be spoken to in that way?” Then, take the initiative and make the appropriate repair.
The encouraging news? These patterns can change. Couples who choose to work on their communication style develop emotional intimacy, feel happier, and find more satisfaction in their relationship.
Do not allow these 7 lethal weapons to destroy your marriage.
When couples choose respect over contempt, ownership over defensiveness, connection over neglect, and repair over escalation, they don’t just strengthen their relationship; they strengthen their health.
References:
Caughlin, J. P., & Afifi, T. D. (2004). When is topic avoidance unsatisfying? A relational dialectics perspective. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 21(4), 479–502.
Gottman, J. M. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. Simon & Schuster.
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233.
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1995). The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 57(1), 117–123.
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316.
Holt-Lunstad, J. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227–237.